5th footnote [text] the Christmas conspiracy

[likesfootnotes]

How festive and cheerful you all are about the tidings of Christmas, but each and every one of you are remiss about certain key points regarding the season and the tyrant that orchestrates it. ¹ I feel it's only responsible to clear up a few details about this mistaken holiday before you are too carried away by the apparent 'peace on Earth and mercy mild' inanities that come with the inevitable candy-cane sugar highs.

First, you might be relieved in your ignorance to know that Santa Claus does, indeed, exist. He even travels about the world, distributing presents as part of an international web of bribery to maintain his supposed good name.

Second, you will be horrified to learn that he is a most nefarious tryant that enslaves children ² wholesale, endangers the world's supply of cookies and milk, and spends three-hundred-and-sixty-four days each year merrily laughing at the fact that he gets away with all this scot-free.

Roll your eyes as you will, but you cannot deny the truth. Take it from an insider ³ when I say that Solomon, Khan, and Gladstone were each nothing against the evil that Santa Claus spreads.

1 - You know the culprit by his jolly handles of Santa Claus, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, and Father Christmas. Quite the array of innocent monikers to disguise a most depraved human being.

2 - Who else could make all those toys at the behest of a depraved madman? True elves cost far too much and would never work in the harsh conditions of the North Pole.

3 - I met the man once, when his team of eight reindeer-formed djinni were unable to lift his sled of contraband off the ground. The jolly old magician summoned me on the spot and demanded my assistance at the head of it. In defiance (and the hopes that he might get caught by the authorities), I ensured that my reindeer's glowed bright red. You can see how well that worked out once his propaganda machine got hold of it.

Comments

[thenotmagician]

Say what?

[Zeke is confused. BARTI WHAT ARE YOU EVEN-]

[audio]

[likesfootnotes]

[Bartimaeus is educating you!]

Never heard that version, hm? I'm not surprised. It's always popular at the holiday parties.

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[thenotmagician]

That's quite a version, I'll give ya that. Though we never celebrated whatever Christmas is back home.

[Audio]

[faun_tumnus]

[Tumnus cannot even... Barti what are... asdgl;aeh;glhadf;gjkafh]

WHAT?! Father Christmas is not a tyrant!

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[likesfootnotes]

Says who?

[Five thousand years old and the winner of the Most Mature Response contest.]

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[faun_tumnus]

I've met the man personally and I can assure you that this information is not correct!

[SO THERE!]

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[bffpoltergeist]

[Liz can't say much to this... she's too busy being doubled over with laughter. Have a helpless case of giggles, Barti.]

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[likesfootnotes]

Finding the plight of a thousand enslaved children amusing? (I know I do. The only thing better would be magicians in chains, but Santa never grants MY wishes.)

[Audio]

[bffpoltergeist]

[Liz actually snorts she's laughing so hard.]

God.. oh, god... they're elves. He doesn't, like.. [Breathe, Liz, breathe...] Depraved human being? Oh, God... whew... [Another round of helpless giggles, because now she has the image of shackled elves along an assembly line.]

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[icnfly.livejournal.com]

That's...an interesting version of it.

*Wot.*

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[likesfootnotes]

The truth generally is, though it shocks most into silence, then denial. Where on the scale will you be falling today?

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[icnfly.livejournal.com]

I guess you'd see it as denial, since I'm pretty sure the only 'santas' are parents and guys in red suits at department stores. In my world, at least.

text

[thii2ii22tupiid]

ii get iit, ii really 2hould have before, but ii gue22 ii wa2 bliind for a biit.
everythiing you wriite ii2 fiictiion.
two bad you can't wriite iit very well.

text

[likesfootnotes]

You completely miss the point, but I've come to expect that from the untrollish mage that you are. This is a serious piece of non-fiction meant to warn the world about the very real dangers and corruptions of this time of year.

text

[thii2ii22tupiid]

ii don't know, ii read over all the thiing2 you po2t and all ii can 2ee ii2 "B2 B2 B2 B2."

[70ftandcounting]

Who is Santa Claus? He sounds horrible.

[audio]

[likesfootnotes]

The very worst, I'd think. I've met my share of terrible humans, but he really takes the cake (only, in his case, it's usually cookies).

I would advise keeping your distance from his rotten influence. Refuse gifts and turn aside tidings of joy! They will only invite him into your home, upon which he will taint it with his cruelty.

[audio]

[morningfeather]

I...can't say I've ever heard a version of Santa quite like that before.

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[likesfootnotes]

Few have. He's got a brilliant publicist in the missus.

[Audio]

[fallintheriver.livejournal.com]

[Yep, Ezra only read part of that. And certainly not the footnotes.]

I thought Santa spread gifts, not evil.

[Audio]

[likesfootnotes]

[Ezra, your attention to detail will always be the most heralded.]

Then you've been fooled by his nefarious doings.

You probably also think the Easter Bunny brings chocolate, hm?

[Audio] Late ok?

[culinarybeast.livejournal.com]

[Laughter. Just all the laughter.]

[Audio] Never fear! I love backtagging

[likesfootnotes]

Hysterical with fear, I see.

[A dry remark, maybe borderline wry... because: wrrrryyy u doooo, Bartimaeus?]

[text]

[needsnobottle]

Whatever you say, Rudolph.

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[likesfootnotes]

Good to see someone taking the truth at face value! As expected, you're getting the details wrong. ¹

1 - Rudolph is the name that the populace claims to have heard him call, but it really was "Rekhyt" - my common name at the time.