Bartimaeus of Uruk (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
likesfootnotes) wrote2011-12-10 02:11 pm
likesfootnotes) wrote2011-12-10 02:11 pm
Entry tags:
5th footnote [text] the Christmas conspiracy
How festive and cheerful you all are about the tidings of Christmas, but each and every one of you are remiss about certain key points regarding the season and the tyrant that orchestrates it. 1 I feel it's only responsible to clear up a few details about this mistaken holiday before you are too carried away by the apparent 'peace on Earth and mercy mild' inanities that come with the inevitable candy-cane sugar highs.
First, you might be relieved in your ignorance to know that Santa Claus does, indeed, exist. He even travels about the world, distributing presents as part of an international web of bribery to maintain his supposed good name.
Second, you will be horrified to learn that he is a most nefarious tryant that enslaves children 2 wholesale, endangers the world's supply of cookies and milk, and spends three-hundred-and-sixty-four days each year merrily laughing at the fact that he gets away with all this scot-free.
Roll your eyes as you will, but you cannot deny the truth. Take it from an insider 3 when I say that Solomon, Khan, and Gladstone were each nothing against the evil that Santa Claus spreads.
1 - You know the culprit by his jolly handles of Santa Claus, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, and Father Christmas. Quite the array of innocent monikers to disguise a most depraved human being.
2 - Who else could make all those toys at the behest of a depraved madman? True elves cost far too much and would never work in the harsh conditions of the North Pole.
3 - I met the man once, when his team of eight reindeer-formed djinni were unable to lift his sled of contraband off the ground. The jolly old magician summoned me on the spot and demanded my assistance at the head of it. In defiance (and the hopes that he might get caught by the authorities), I ensured that my reindeer's glowed bright red. You can see how well that worked out once his propaganda machine got hold of it.
First, you might be relieved in your ignorance to know that Santa Claus does, indeed, exist. He even travels about the world, distributing presents as part of an international web of bribery to maintain his supposed good name.
Second, you will be horrified to learn that he is a most nefarious tryant that enslaves children 2 wholesale, endangers the world's supply of cookies and milk, and spends three-hundred-and-sixty-four days each year merrily laughing at the fact that he gets away with all this scot-free.
Roll your eyes as you will, but you cannot deny the truth. Take it from an insider 3 when I say that Solomon, Khan, and Gladstone were each nothing against the evil that Santa Claus spreads.
1 - You know the culprit by his jolly handles of Santa Claus, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, and Father Christmas. Quite the array of innocent monikers to disguise a most depraved human being.
2 - Who else could make all those toys at the behest of a depraved madman? True elves cost far too much and would never work in the harsh conditions of the North Pole.
3 - I met the man once, when his team of eight reindeer-formed djinni were unable to lift his sled of contraband off the ground. The jolly old magician summoned me on the spot and demanded my assistance at the head of it. In defiance (and the hopes that he might get caught by the authorities), I ensured that my reindeer's glowed bright red. You can see how well that worked out once his propaganda machine got hold of it.
[audio]
Never heard that version, hm? I'm not surprised. It's always popular at the holiday parties.
[audio]
[audio]
Re: [audio]
[audio]
[audio]
[audio]
Now that you know the truth behind the mistletoe, I suppose you'll go about denying it and engaging in the same festivities as the rest.
In which case, don't say I didn't warn you.
[audio]
[As if that changes anything. But seriously who is this Santa guy.]
And that bein' said, what would you like me ta bake ya?
[He's assuming (or hoping) that djinn eat people food.]
[audio]
Impcake.
[Absolutely deadpan there.
Because, really. Who would bake him something unless they wanted to lace it with silver.]
Re: [audio]
Alright. Impcake. I don't think I know how ta make that one. Gotta recipe?
[audio]
You take a bevy of imps, jam them into a tin, and then throw it in an oven for two hours.
And what ridiculous fancy is leading you take make this offering of confectionery? Hit your head a few too many times on the doorway?
[audio]
I don't think I'm licensed for that one, sorry.
[He imagines imps probably taste terrible anyway.]
Nah, it's just a tradition I have.
[Even though he cooks and bakes all the time anyway.]
Instead of buying a gift for friends, I make one.
[audio]
Then aren't you fortunate to be relieved of that requirement!
[He doesn't remember signing that BFF pact with you there, Zeke.]
Re: [audio]
Got any other suggestions, then?
[audio]
I'd suggest re-evaluating your standards of friendship. They seem a bit lax from here.
[Oh, not that he blames you for trying - who WOULDN'T want to be his friend? But his standards are a bit more stringent.]
Re: [audio]
[audio]
[Bartimaeus chuckles, the clears his throat.]
`
Djinni aren't commonly known to have human friends, and for good reason you realise.
Re: [audio]
I get it. I don't wanna overstep any boundaries or anything.
[But damn it he's still willing to try. B(]
[audio]
Overstepping boundaries is the very thing a spirit likes the most.
[A thoughtful pause.]
Usually we mean a magician out of his pentacle.
And what do you plan to get out of being friends?
[This is Bartimaeus; this is Bartimaeus not believing you. Hey, that he's talking to you at all about it is a big step!]
[audio]
[Jeez why does everyone ask him this.]
[audio]
Humans give me indigestion.
[Dookit how helpful he's being.]
Re: [audio]