likesfootnotes | 5th footnote [text] the Christmas conspiracy

How festive and cheerful you all are about the tidings of Christmas, but each and every one of you are remiss about certain key points regarding the season and the tyrant that orchestrates it.¹ I feel it's only responsible to clear up a few details about this mistaken holiday before you are too carried away by the apparent 'peace on Earth and mercy mild' inanities that come with the inevitable candy-cane sugar highs.

First, you might be relieved in your ignorance to know that Santa Claus does, indeed, exist. He even travels about the world, distributing presents as part of an international web of bribery to maintain his supposed good name.

Second, you will be horrified to learn that he is a most nefarious tryant that enslaves children² wholesale, endangers the world's supply of cookies and milk, and spends three-hundred-and-sixty-four days each year merrily laughing at the fact that he gets away with all this scot-free.

Roll your eyes as you will, but you cannot deny the truth. Take it from an insider³ when I say that Solomon, Khan, and Gladstone were each nothing against the evil that Santa Claus spreads.

1 - You know the culprit by his jolly handles of Santa Claus, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, and Father Christmas. Quite the array of innocent monikers to disguise a most depraved human being.

2 - Who else could make all those toys at the behest of a depraved madman? True elves cost far too much and would never work in the harsh conditions of the North Pole.

3 - I met the man once, when his team of eight reindeer-formed djinni were unable to lift his sled of contraband off the ground. The jolly old magician summoned me on the spot and demanded my assistance at the head of it. In defiance (and the hopes that he might get caught by the authorities), I ensured that my reindeer's glowed bright red. You can see how well that worked out once his propaganda machine got hold of it.

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[Liz can't say much to this... she's too busy being doubled over with laughter. Have a helpless case of giggles, Barti.]

Finding the plight of a thousand enslaved children amusing? (I know I do. The only thing better would be magicians in chains, but Santa never grants MY wishes.)

Edited 2011-12-11 20:26 (UTC)

[Liz actually snorts she's laughing so hard.]

God.. oh, god... they're elves. He doesn't, like.. [Breathe, Liz, breathe...] Depraved human being? Oh, God... whew... [Another round of helpless giggles, because now she has the image of shackled elves along an assembly line.]

You're laughing to keep from crying, I see.

[She's just about dying here, Barti. She snorts every other giggle, wiping the tears from her eyes as she sucks in a sharp breath.]

Oh, yeah... like, totally... that's .. t-totally why. *snert*

You might want to take a few moments to calm, before you turn blue for lack of oxygen.

[Her giggle is still audible, but she seems to at least be calming herself down from the original giggle fit.]

You think that would, like, better help me take in the horrid enslavement of youths across the world by Santa Claus?

It would certainly save you from a rather unsightly tombstone reading that you died by Santa Claus.

[...that would help his case though. An accomplice in homicide? That's a bad mark no matter who you are.]

[Oh, Barti, Liz likes you!]

Yeah, but it'd,like, help your argument, right? 'Local youth dies while in defense of the same man now charged as being responsible for her death.'

[Liz, you are quite the spin doctor. Maybe he'll recruit you into his anti-Santa crusade.]

It's rare to hear such an insight out of the mouth of something like a human. Are you sure you're not a djinni?

[A quick cough.]

But, by all means, laugh away that trickle of breath!

5th footnote [text] the Christmas conspiracy

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