Bartimaeus of Uruk (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
likesfootnotes) wrote2011-12-10 02:11 pm
likesfootnotes) wrote2011-12-10 02:11 pm
Entry tags:
5th footnote [text] the Christmas conspiracy
How festive and cheerful you all are about the tidings of Christmas, but each and every one of you are remiss about certain key points regarding the season and the tyrant that orchestrates it. 1 I feel it's only responsible to clear up a few details about this mistaken holiday before you are too carried away by the apparent 'peace on Earth and mercy mild' inanities that come with the inevitable candy-cane sugar highs.
First, you might be relieved in your ignorance to know that Santa Claus does, indeed, exist. He even travels about the world, distributing presents as part of an international web of bribery to maintain his supposed good name.
Second, you will be horrified to learn that he is a most nefarious tryant that enslaves children 2 wholesale, endangers the world's supply of cookies and milk, and spends three-hundred-and-sixty-four days each year merrily laughing at the fact that he gets away with all this scot-free.
Roll your eyes as you will, but you cannot deny the truth. Take it from an insider 3 when I say that Solomon, Khan, and Gladstone were each nothing against the evil that Santa Claus spreads.
1 - You know the culprit by his jolly handles of Santa Claus, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, and Father Christmas. Quite the array of innocent monikers to disguise a most depraved human being.
2 - Who else could make all those toys at the behest of a depraved madman? True elves cost far too much and would never work in the harsh conditions of the North Pole.
3 - I met the man once, when his team of eight reindeer-formed djinni were unable to lift his sled of contraband off the ground. The jolly old magician summoned me on the spot and demanded my assistance at the head of it. In defiance (and the hopes that he might get caught by the authorities), I ensured that my reindeer's glowed bright red. You can see how well that worked out once his propaganda machine got hold of it.
First, you might be relieved in your ignorance to know that Santa Claus does, indeed, exist. He even travels about the world, distributing presents as part of an international web of bribery to maintain his supposed good name.
Second, you will be horrified to learn that he is a most nefarious tryant that enslaves children 2 wholesale, endangers the world's supply of cookies and milk, and spends three-hundred-and-sixty-four days each year merrily laughing at the fact that he gets away with all this scot-free.
Roll your eyes as you will, but you cannot deny the truth. Take it from an insider 3 when I say that Solomon, Khan, and Gladstone were each nothing against the evil that Santa Claus spreads.
1 - You know the culprit by his jolly handles of Santa Claus, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, and Father Christmas. Quite the array of innocent monikers to disguise a most depraved human being.
2 - Who else could make all those toys at the behest of a depraved madman? True elves cost far too much and would never work in the harsh conditions of the North Pole.
3 - I met the man once, when his team of eight reindeer-formed djinni were unable to lift his sled of contraband off the ground. The jolly old magician summoned me on the spot and demanded my assistance at the head of it. In defiance (and the hopes that he might get caught by the authorities), I ensured that my reindeer's glowed bright red. You can see how well that worked out once his propaganda machine got hold of it.
no subject
No need to bury your pain; misery loves company. Let it out, djinn, I'm practically a fucking repository for supernatural issues.
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Have you considered charging for your services? No point in doing something for nothing and I know how much you humans like money. 2
2 - Good luck collecting. Spirits are not prone to carrying money, but they might create some for you. It'll disappear the moment they're dismissed though.
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3 - What would I do with money here anyway?
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Second, you still need the parts first. No point telling you how to turn the key in the engine before you have an engine, hm?
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And you know, every fiber of my being wants to argue with you...but I find I can't.
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And, no. Consider my gift an example. Do follow my shining footsteps, though I know it's a little too bright to see the path.
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And I can't help but think those footsteps will try and Looney Tune me off a cliff.
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4 - Cliffs are such a crass solution. I prefer something guaranteed to be permanent, such as sending you into the lair of a grumpy afrit.
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The fuck is a afrit? I'd Google it but haha, no Google.
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5 - Preference rarely comes into play with magicians, alas. Past ones have had me tangle with afrits, marids, and even a being or two that surpass all comprehension.
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Beyond comprehension, huh?
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I think you meant 'surpass all comprehension' there. It's quite the finite difference, not that I expect you to grasp the overall concept.
6 - Don't mistake this for me supporting the idea of dual habitation in an unfortunately human body. I could never get behind such a heinous thing, but it never hurts to throw a wrench into what's clearly a depraved design.
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So what's the difference, wise
assass.[Yeah, that's intentional. She was gonna write out something else but decided her first instinct was the correct one.]
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And, really. How can you expect to comprehend something which surpasses comprehension?
7 - There are certain songs that never end which come to mind.
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By waiting for an explanation.
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