Bartimaeus of Uruk (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
likesfootnotes) wrote2011-09-23 02:56 pm
likesfootnotes) wrote2011-09-23 02:56 pm
Entry tags:
1st footnote [text] an open letter
Dear Mr. Mandrake:
There is entirely too much form and substance here. Where's that blissful rest you promised? You'll give my essence an ulcer with all this existing you've subjected me to.
This is almost the most pathetic dismissal I've ever had the displeasure of enduring. 1 I must admit that I expected better of you after that unfortunately ironclad summoning and those meagre displays of skill that you displayed.
Still, what can you expect from a half-pint magician overflowing with ego after single-handedly saving the British government from certain annihilation? 2 I admit, I'm surprised that your head hasn't exploded yet from all the praise. Do be certain to record it for posterity when it does.
Admittedly, this beats a rosemary-lined tin at the bottom of the Thames. Did you know that small miracles are said to be the hallmark of a mediocre magician? Truly, your greatest achievement shall be managing to summon the immensity of my presence - and this I invite you to never try again.
The next time you decide to subject a spirit to your aspirations, might I suggest Faquarl? He's a good chap, sturdy in essence, and suited to your level. A step down in quality, certainly, but that just proves my point.
Most sincerely not yours,
[Have an X in place of a signature; names are bondage to spirits, so he'll not be freely handing it out just yet.]
1 - The worst, arguably, would be when Frederick Von Mundgeruch dismissed me straight into another magician's pentacle. That didn't work out too well for ol' Freddy. Turns out that this magician had a grudge against him and put me to work Detonating his secret castle, location known only to slaves and spirits, to rubble.
2 - Invariably, that is how it'll go down in the history books as written by the magicians. Between you, me, and anyone that'll listen? A kid never would have managed it without a certain all-powerful, self-effacing djinni on his side.
There is entirely too much form and substance here. Where's that blissful rest you promised? You'll give my essence an ulcer with all this existing you've subjected me to.
This is almost the most pathetic dismissal I've ever had the displeasure of enduring. 1 I must admit that I expected better of you after that unfortunately ironclad summoning and those meagre displays of skill that you displayed.
Still, what can you expect from a half-pint magician overflowing with ego after single-handedly saving the British government from certain annihilation? 2 I admit, I'm surprised that your head hasn't exploded yet from all the praise. Do be certain to record it for posterity when it does.
Admittedly, this beats a rosemary-lined tin at the bottom of the Thames. Did you know that small miracles are said to be the hallmark of a mediocre magician? Truly, your greatest achievement shall be managing to summon the immensity of my presence - and this I invite you to never try again.
The next time you decide to subject a spirit to your aspirations, might I suggest Faquarl? He's a good chap, sturdy in essence, and suited to your level. A step down in quality, certainly, but that just proves my point.
Most sincerely not yours,
[Have an X in place of a signature; names are bondage to spirits, so he'll not be freely handing it out just yet.]
1 - The worst, arguably, would be when Frederick Von Mundgeruch dismissed me straight into another magician's pentacle. That didn't work out too well for ol' Freddy. Turns out that this magician had a grudge against him and put me to work Detonating his secret castle, location known only to slaves and spirits, to rubble.
2 - Invariably, that is how it'll go down in the history books as written by the magicians. Between you, me, and anyone that'll listen? A kid never would have managed it without a certain all-powerful, self-effacing djinni on his side.
Re: text
ii'm not 2ure mode2ty ii2 2omethiing you po22e22 at all.
what the hell ii2 a djiinii?
text
Allow me to assure you that my modesty is both possessed and quite resilient. Five thousand years is a long time for it to toughen up and, like I, it has risen with style and grace to every task set before it.
And a djinni, my numerophiliatic friend, is nothing less than I. 2 Have you not heard of one before?
2 - To use myself as an introduction to the spirit class is, perhaps, cruel. There are so few djinni that equal me, after all. Prepare yourself, then, to be disappointed by other djinni you may encounter. Try to be kind - it's not their fault that they're not me.
Re: text
*Just looking at him tends to give one an idea of it, really. Also he's just gonna skip that bit about modesty and being 5,000 years old and whatever the fuck that was supposed to mean.*
no, we diidn't have djiinii iin my uniiver2e and you're the only one here.
text
Well, doesn't that make you the lucky one! Whatever you are and wherever we are.
3 - Devastating hand injury from when it was ravaged by a small, pink rabbit and the scribble is an unfortunate twitch; numerophilia, and the number 2 is indeed in the process of suing for slanderous references constantly made to it. A few examples of what could be a thousand reasons. They only get worse from here.
Re: text
*Cause those are kind of amusing, even if he's no idea what rabbits or suing are.*
you diidn't read the letter, diid you?
text
[In short? Sure, but is he really expected to believe the letter?]
4 - They invariably forget to mention the spirits that were harmed in the attaining of said accomplishments. Given such blatant omissions, no spirit can be blamed for disbelieving human text. Who knows what they have neglected to say for the sake of making it sound good?
Re: text
*And you have completely lost him agian, good job!*
text
As to the rest, mysterious commentator, I read the note, but cannot be expected to take it at face value. Humans like to lie and a letter is just one more medium in which to do it.
Re: text
text
I am actually of the opinion that this human is also a magician. Who else would be pompous enough to suggest he could re-weave the very fabric of worlds? Mark my text - there will be a thousand djinni summoned to do the job for him. That's how things go.
5 - Only humans equipped with very large dictionaries fall back on such language. They seem to think it makes them smarter. In truth, it just makes them heavier. Never try fleeing a hoard of foliots while carrying a dictionary-carrying magician - it never turns out well for the magician.
Re: text
text
Hardly! There are humans, magicians, and spirits. 6
Humans, however, are the most populous and djinni the most meritorious.
6 Within the classification of spirits, there are the five mainstays (imp, foliot, djinni, afrit, and marid). Within that, the humans claim to have identified thirteen-thousand-and-forty-six classes. There aren't nearly that many of course; it's a tradition to convince every magician that they've discovered at least one new class each summoning. I myself convinced Ivan the Malleable of six in one sitting merely by pointing out six different dust bunnies under his desk and claiming they were all different spirits in disguise.
Re: text
text
7 - The common human knows very little of magic and is prone to mix up the smallest imp with yours truly. That kind of ignorance abates when you look at magicians, who know a great deal about spirits and show an every greater deal of ignorance in other matters.
text
*Well, maybe close on the number two bit, but not on the human bit.*
text
video
I'm a troll, from Alternia.
video
An excellent ruse! But you're pulling it off all wrong. You don't look like a troll at all.
Where are the tusks and the ugly pig-nose? Your hair is much too short and -- did you brush it? Where's your sense of artistic accuracy?
Re: video
He huffs.*
Trolls don't have tusks.
*Except for Kevas, who he still doesn't believe is a troll.*
I don't know what the fuck kind of stupid trolls you have in YOUR stupid universe, but they're not REAL trolls.
video
[Apologies, dear troll, but the king of trolling is now going to troll you.
It takes Bartimaeus two shakes of a troll's tail to shift form and show the amateur how it's done.]
On the contrary, trolls are very real: See?
Certainly, no tusks this time. It can be a matter of artistic licence, but note how troll-like I currently am. In particular, how devastatingly ugly, because I've never met a troll that could not curdle milk with a glance.
Re: video
video
This is a troll. Spell it with me: T-R-O-L-L
Re: video
video
Let's focus on the root of the issue: Clearly, you're jealous of my troll-like nature. Let me tell you that you are not the first and will not be the last.
Re: video
How did you do that?
video
Re: video
video
Re: video
video
Re: video