likesfootnotes | 1st footnote [text] an open letter

Dear Mr. Mandrake:

There is entirely too much form and substance here. Where's that blissful rest you promised? You'll give my essence an ulcer with all this existing you've subjected me to.

This is almost the most pathetic dismissal I've ever had the displeasure of enduring. ¹ I must admit that I expected better of you after that unfortunately ironclad summoning and those meagre displays of skill that you displayed.

Still, what can you expect from a half-pint magician overflowing with ego after single-handedly saving the British government from certain annihilation? ² I admit, I'm surprised that your head hasn't exploded yet from all the praise. Do be certain to record it for posterity when it does.

Admittedly, this beats a rosemary-lined tin at the bottom of the Thames. Did you know that small miracles are said to be the hallmark of a mediocre magician? Truly, your greatest achievement shall be managing to summon the immensity of my presence - and this I invite you to never try again.

The next time you decide to subject a spirit to your aspirations, might I suggest Faquarl? He's a good chap, sturdy in essence, and suited to your level. A step down in quality, certainly, but that just proves my point.

Most sincerely not yours,

[Have an X in place of a signature; names are bondage to spirits, so he'll not be freely handing it out just yet.]

1 - The worst, arguably, would be when Frederick Von Mundgeruch dismissed me straight into another magician's pentacle. That didn't work out too well for ol' Freddy. Turns out that this magician had a grudge against him and put me to work Detonating his secret castle, location known only to slaves and spirits, to rubble.

2 - Invariably, that is how it'll go down in the history books as written by the magicians. Between you, me, and anyone that'll listen? A kid never would have managed it without a certain all-powerful, self-effacing djinni on his side.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

*Wow there's a lot to go off here...*

who the fuck ii2 mandrake?

[It's Bartimaeus: He's always a handful. Just ask any magician that's summoned him and they'll confirm.]

Regrettably, Mr. Mandrake is a deplorable acquaintance of mine. ¹

I don't suppose you've seen him? Not more than a child. Knee-high to a grasshopper and an ego the size of Big Ben?

1 - I use the term in the most insulting way. It's always good to clarify, because some sorts - myself included - take 'deplorable' as a compliment. I'd hate for him to think I was fond of him.

no, he'2 probably not here.

why are you addiing extra note2?

*Because that's one annoying quirk.*

What excellent tidings, if borne on the wave of poor grammar! Though you would do a djinni good by not using '2' in any reference to him. The very idea of a second John Mandrake is enough to turn my essence inside out.

Quite the educational tool, aren't they? I recognise that few have the dearth of experience that I so modestly possess. The notes exist to bring you up to speed, as it were.

iit2 not iin referance two anybody.

ii'm not 2ure mode2ty ii2 2omethiing you po22e22 at all.

what the hell ii2 a djiinii?

You have a remarkable propensity for making no reference with a reference. Why else plaster all your commentary with the digit?

Allow me to assure you that my modesty is both possessed and quite resilient. Five thousand years is a long time for it to toughen up and, like I, it has risen with style and grace to every task set before it.

And a djinni, my numerophiliatic friend, is nothing less than I.² Have you not heard of one before?

2 - To use myself as an introduction to the spirit class is, perhaps, cruel. There are so few djinni that equal me, after all. Prepare yourself, then, to be disappointed by other djinni you may encounter. Try to be kind - it's not their fault that they're not me.

Edited 2011-09-23 22:51 (UTC)

[UM]

What?

Edited 2011-09-23 22:52 (UTC)

Yes?

there'2 a rea2on, maybe you'll fiind iit out later.

*Just looking at him tends to give one an idea of it, really. Also he's just gonna skip that bit about modesty and being 5,000 years old and whatever the fuck that was supposed to mean.*

no, we diidn't have djiinii iin my uniiver2e and you're the only one here.

You... are in Holloways Keep. Not... where ever you think you are.

There are no magicians or anyone named Mandrake as far as I recall.

Or, you could save us both the roundabout and simply say why it is. Otherwise, I will be forced to concoct reasons to explain it.³

Well, doesn't that make you the lucky one! Whatever you are and wherever we are.

3 - Devastating hand injury from when it was ravaged by a small, pink rabbit and the scribble is an unfortunate twitch; numerophilia, and the number 2 is indeed in the process of suing for slanderous references constantly made to it. A few examples of what could be a thousand reasons. They only get worse from here.

no, ii thiink ii'll fiind iit more amu2iing two watch you come up wiith rea2ons.

*Cause those are kind of amusing, even if he's no idea what rabbits or suing are.*

you diidn't read the letter, diid you?

It was quite obvious that I am not where I'd thought to be, what with having form and substance.

No magicians here at all, you say? This Holloway knows how to make a djinni's day!

A... what?

[Rapunzel is...still pretty Down In The Dumps, but...]

Um...sir?

[She blinks at her journal.]

. . .

What's a djinni?

The only human writing worth paying attention to is that which makes up the lines of a pentacle. There rest tends to be pompous drivel, filled with one magician slandering another. Or, more commonly, that same magician lauding all his accomplishments.⁴

[In short? Sure, but is he really expected to believe the letter?]

4 - They invariably forget to mention the spirits that were harmed in the attaining of said accomplishments. Given such blatant omissions, no spirit can be blamed for disbelieving human text. Who knows what they have neglected to say for the sake of making it sound good?

A d-j-i-n-n-i.

[Not only did he slow himself down, but he spelled it out! How very kind he must be feeling today.]

I begin to think you are hard of hearing. Should I start bellowing it?

[What a terrible place to be in, Rapunzel. He'd suggest Up In The Dumps - far more optimistic, you see. Trash half full and all!]

Do they teach nothing useful in this world?

A djinni is me, you see!

No, no; hold the applause. Actually, I could use a round of it, after all the thankless work I've been through.

Now, do you have some question of substance for me? Or shall we play more of this quaint, misdirected Twenty Questions?

[Way to make her feel stupid, gosh.]

Nein. I just... do not know what that is. I am sorry.

what?

*And you have completely lost him agian, good job!*

[There is nothing that Bartimaeus styles himself as better at than belittling humans. It's not you, it's your species.]

Don't be! The less you know, the less you'll summon me - catch my drift?

You probably don't, therefore I'll elaborate this once: A djinni is a spirit of immense power that humans like to enslave to do their bidding. The less you know about them, the less you can enslave them - therefore, your ignorance is my bliss.

You've managed to comment without the number 2, congratulations! This is one step away from your addiction.

As to the rest, mysterious commentator, I read the note, but cannot be expected to take it at face value. Humans like to lie and a letter is just one more medium in which to do it.

what make2 you thiink iit wa2 a human who wrote iit?

The pretentious requirement to use the term 'ontological' to explain anything.⁵

I am actually of the opinion that this human is also a magician. Who else would be pompous enough to suggest he could re-weave the very fabric of worlds? Mark my text - there will be a thousand djinni summoned to do the job for him. That's how things go.

5 - Only humans equipped with very large dictionaries fall back on such language. They seem to think it makes them smarter. In truth, it just makes them heavier. Never try fleeing a hoard of foliots while carrying a dictionary-carrying magician - it never turns out well for the magician.

let me gue22, iin your world iit2 ju2t human2 and djiinii2.

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