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1st footnote [text] an open letter

Dear Mr. Mandrake:

There is entirely too much form and substance here. Where's that blissful rest you promised? You'll give my essence an ulcer with all this existing you've subjected me to.

This is almost the most pathetic dismissal I've ever had the displeasure of enduring. ¹ I must admit that I expected better of you after that unfortunately ironclad summoning and those meagre displays of skill that you displayed.

Still, what can you expect from a half-pint magician overflowing with ego after single-handedly saving the British government from certain annihilation? ² I admit, I'm surprised that your head hasn't exploded yet from all the praise. Do be certain to record it for posterity when it does.

Admittedly, this beats a rosemary-lined tin at the bottom of the Thames. Did you know that small miracles are said to be the hallmark of a mediocre magician? Truly, your greatest achievement shall be managing to summon the immensity of my presence - and this I invite you to never try again.

The next time you decide to subject a spirit to your aspirations, might I suggest Faquarl? He's a good chap, sturdy in essence, and suited to your level. A step down in quality, certainly, but that just proves my point.

Most sincerely not yours,

[Have an X in place of a signature; names are bondage to spirits, so he'll not be freely handing it out just yet.]

1 - The worst, arguably, would be when Frederick Von Mundgeruch dismissed me straight into another magician's pentacle. That didn't work out too well for ol' Freddy. Turns out that this magician had a grudge against him and put me to work Detonating his secret castle, location known only to slaves and spirits, to rubble.

2 - Invariably, that is how it'll go down in the history books as written by the magicians. Between you, me, and anyone that'll listen? A kid never would have managed it without a certain all-powerful, self-effacing djinni on his side.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Or, you could save us both the roundabout and simply say why it is. Otherwise, I will be forced to concoct reasons to explain it.³

Well, doesn't that make you the lucky one! Whatever you are and wherever we are.

3 - Devastating hand injury from when it was ravaged by a small, pink rabbit and the scribble is an unfortunate twitch; numerophilia, and the number 2 is indeed in the process of suing for slanderous references constantly made to it. A few examples of what could be a thousand reasons. They only get worse from here.

no, ii thiink ii'll fiind iit more amu2iing two watch you come up wiith rea2ons.

*Cause those are kind of amusing, even if he's no idea what rabbits or suing are.*

you diidn't read the letter, diid you?

The only human writing worth paying attention to is that which makes up the lines of a pentacle. There rest tends to be pompous drivel, filled with one magician slandering another. Or, more commonly, that same magician lauding all his accomplishments.⁴

[In short? Sure, but is he really expected to believe the letter?]

4 - They invariably forget to mention the spirits that were harmed in the attaining of said accomplishments. Given such blatant omissions, no spirit can be blamed for disbelieving human text. Who knows what they have neglected to say for the sake of making it sound good?

what?

*And you have completely lost him agian, good job!*

You've managed to comment without the number 2, congratulations! This is one step away from your addiction.

As to the rest, mysterious commentator, I read the note, but cannot be expected to take it at face value. Humans like to lie and a letter is just one more medium in which to do it.

what make2 you thiink iit wa2 a human who wrote iit?

The pretentious requirement to use the term 'ontological' to explain anything.⁵

I am actually of the opinion that this human is also a magician. Who else would be pompous enough to suggest he could re-weave the very fabric of worlds? Mark my text - there will be a thousand djinni summoned to do the job for him. That's how things go.

5 - Only humans equipped with very large dictionaries fall back on such language. They seem to think it makes them smarter. In truth, it just makes them heavier. Never try fleeing a hoard of foliots while carrying a dictionary-carrying magician - it never turns out well for the magician.

let me gue22, iin your world iit2 ju2t human2 and djiinii2.

[There's a delay in replying - the renewed onslaught of 2's threw him off and even the great djinni needs to puzzle that out.]

Hardly! There are humans, magicians, and spirits.⁶

Humans, however, are the most populous and djinni the most meritorious.

6 Within the classification of spirits, there are the five mainstays (imp, foliot, djinni, afrit, and marid). Within that, the humans claim to have identified thirteen-thousand-and-forty-six classes. There aren't nearly that many of course; it's a tradition to convince every magician that they've discovered at least one new class each summoning. I myself convinced Ivan the Malleable of six in one sitting merely by pointing out six different dust bunnies under his desk and claiming they were all different spirits in disguise.

Edited 2011-09-24 02:46 (UTC)

what do you thiink ii am?

A rather "I"-ful human with a fondness for the number two.⁷

7 - The common human knows very little of magic and is prone to mix up the smallest imp with yours truly. That kind of ignorance abates when you look at magicians, who know a great deal about spirits and show an every greater deal of ignorance in other matters.

not even clo2e, ii none of tho2e thiing2 you mentiioned a2 liiviing iin your uniiver2e.

*Well, maybe close on the number two bit, but not on the human bit.*

And here's the point where I'm to be curious about what you are. Fire away! But be warned: After five thousand years, I'm not prone to being surprised. If you were looking for the shock-and-awe effect, you should really go for someone that's seen markedly less than I.

*Instead if writing out a reply, Sollux switches to video for a bit. He looks rather bored.*

I'm a troll, from Alternia.

[Bartimaeus replies in turn - this is his judging face and he is judging you. Then shaking his head.]

An excellent ruse! But you're pulling it off all wrong. You don't look like a troll at all.

Where are the tusks and the ugly pig-nose? Your hair is much too short and -- did you brush it? Where's your sense of artistic accuracy?

*He was going to switch back to text, but Sollux gets a bit derailed.
He huffs.*

Trolls don't have tusks.

*Except for Kevas, who he still doesn't believe is a troll.*

I don't know what the fuck kind of stupid trolls you have in YOUR stupid universe, but they're not REAL trolls.

How do you know? You're a very poor example of a troll, after all.

[Apologies, dear troll, but the king of trolling is now going to troll you.

It takes Bartimaeus two shakes of a troll's tail to shift form and show the amateur how it's done.]

On the contrary, trolls are very real: See?

Certainly, no tusks this time. It can be a matter of artistic licence, but note how troll-like I currently am. In particular, how devastatingly ugly, because I've never met a troll that could not curdle milk with a glance.

What the fuck is THAT supposed to be?

Has anyone told you that you're rather slow on the uptake? I'd worry about that, if I were you.

This is a troll. Spell it with me: T-R-O-L-L

Your whole fucking universe is crazy, but I guess that explains your stupid quirk.

There, there. No need to take your troll inadequacy issues out on the actual troll in this discussion.

Let's focus on the root of the issue: Clearly, you're jealous of my troll-like nature. Let me tell you that you are not the first and will not be the last.

*Sollux pauses for a moment before responding. He sounds calmer and slightly curious, but there MIGHT be a hint of a grin on his face.*

How did you do that?

This?

[And Bartimaeus is back in his Ptolemy form just as fast.]

One of the many tricks of the trade. Unlike trolls, I have limitless forms. (Well, they are limited only by my imagination - but as that is boundless... you get the picture.)

So basically you can shapeshift and think that's enough to claim you're as powerful as you try to play yourself off to be.

[Bartimaeus swells a bit and his voice gains the depth of a thousand angry moths at this suggestive slur. Quite possibly literally; he's made moths angry before and they're no small menace.]

Would a mere shapeshifter be tasked with stealing the Amulet of Samarkand? To retrieve the Ring of Solomon? No!

I am far more than a mere shapeshifter. My powers are beyond mortal comprehension!

[Yes, that is the sound of echoing thunder in each syllable. He's a total ham.]

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