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7TH FOOTNOTE [audio] ALL HEARTS DAY

The rubbish tastes of this Keep have been improved only slightly by the appearance of the jarred specimen in my room. The first person to admit that they carved a magician's heart out and placed it in a jar just for me will, for today, be treated with a modicum of appreciation.

However, your flirtatious gift does fall on ultimately deaf ears, for this djinni has eyes, ears, and a half-dozen noses dedicated to the one thing in this Keep that rivals my cunning with her beauty.

Rapunzel, on this day of romance, I shall be your knight in shining armour. None shall tarnish you with their slobbering kisses or their poorly rhymed poems. This is my dedication to you, and may everyone else slip and fall into vats of the odious secretions of a twice-dead dragon.

In layman's terms for the rest of you...

Those of you wishing to have nothing to do with the business end of cupid's arrow would be wise to keep their unfashionable and tasteless persons away from the apple of my essence.

[Bartimaeus did not trust the Keep when he found this jar, so he entrusted it to his fellow anti-Santa crusader, Rapunzel, with full intent to wander the Keep as a droll cupid.

Which he's doing, but careful! If you look at Rapunzel, mention Rapunzel, or have anything to do with anything that might make Rapunzel unhappy, expect to have a sudden hotseat courtesy of cupid's "arrow" (a small Conflagration spell). He's a jealous, petty djinni.]

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[Flattered and surprised though she is, Rapunzel is a feeling a little…smothered, to say the least.]

Ah…Barti that…you don’t have to..um. Shoot people. Really. It’s alright.

[O_O She’ll hang out with you boo just don’t hurt anyone, sheesh.]

Edited 2012-02-14 17:41 (UTC)

[...what.]

Listen creep you stay the hell away from Sunshine.

[Daddy Kevas is not impressed.]

...what the fuck ii2 wrong wiith you NOW.

Well lucky you.

Don't be ridiculous. How else should I be keeping the sweating, mindless masses at bay? A nail-studded plank of wood? There's not much style to it, but if you insist...

Incoherent with jealousy, I see. Your attempts to dissuade me are unintelligible and unimaginative. They are also doomed to failure.^{1, 2}

1 - The insults are an early twentieth attempt at sending me running for the hills, but a djinni is made of tougher stuff. We have a saying: Silver and rosemary may poison my essence, but names will only make me laugh. Humans, of course, stole it and twisted it to the "sticks and stones may break by bones, but names will never hurt me" saying.

2 - Given the choice between you or I, it's obvious who Rapunzel would choose.

[Ugh, the fauxtrollgician.]

There's nothing of that particular sort wrong with me.¹

1 - This is quite the opposite of the state you will find yourself in if you look crossly at her.

[meep]

N-no! Really! It's quite all right!

Good to hear someone that can appreciate my sentiments!

(But not share them, you understand.)

there'2 2omethiing of 2ome 2ort wrong wiith you iif you're actually fond of 2omeone, let alone a human.

don't worry, ii have no iintere2t iin her.

Then you obviously would have me whisk you away to a sunny beach, where none could bother you as you frolic amidst the waves.

[A pause.]

The idea is laughable, or would be from any other human. For you, I would consider it.

That-that sounds wonderful, actually.

[She so wants to see the ocean...]

...R-really?

You?

A knight in shining armor?

Are you suggesting that she is, somehow, lacking? Your disinterest is a wise investment in extending your terribly short, insignificant lifetime, but I might still have to act if you say too much against her sweet innocence.

And you are obviously envious of the fact that I favour her more than you. Don't worry! I saw a mop bucket earlier that was pining after you. You should really run to it, because you are out of your depth here.

You have only to wish it and your very humble- [The most humble.] -djinni shall comply! Or provide a reasonable facsimile, in the event of Deior ruining our romantic getaway with the restrictions meant to hoard us under him.

2he'2 a human and ii already have both a mate2priit and a moiiraiil.

*Oh god, buckets.*

...you....
GOD FUCKIING DAMNIIT IIT BARTIIMAEU2 we JU2T fuckiing MET. you keep your fuckiing bucket AWAY from me, ii don't hate you liike that, thii2 ii2 pure fuckiing platoniic.

All this and more at the behest of my dearest Rapunzel.

You, however, are no doubt well supplied with your own imp-in-tarnished-armor and will not be needing or receiving my services. Today is solely hers.

You could do that? Truly?

[Oh you just MADE HER DAY.]

Then you keep your two-trolling hands to yourself and I will not be required to encase you in a sphere of perfectly shaped glass to present to her as a token of my affection.²

[There is a gap in the text, the literary equivalent to a pause as Bartimaeus reads this sudden outcry against the brilliance of his insult. Had he but known that Sollux had an anti-bucket outlook, he would have mentioned it sooner.]

Is there something that you've been wanting to tell me? That rant of yours comes across as a purely envious tirade.³

2 - This is to sate the human need for trinkets to prove affection. I would build her a pyramid, but Keep space is limited and it takes time and effort to complete that would be better spent basking in her radiance.

3 - I warn you that any confessions of love are misguided and will fall on deaf essence, for I have affection for only one human currently: Rapunzel.

Of course! I am Bartimaeus of Uruk, the Serpent of Silver Plumes! There is nothing that my mighty essence cannot provide for you if the fancy strikes you. The Nile itself could be braided into a ribbon for you hair, the Great Wall shrunk into a garden fence.

don't play dumb you 2iick freak, you wouldn't have 2aiid iit iif you diidn't mean iit. 2tay the FUCK away from me, ii'm not even old enough for that 2hiit yet.

*He's a bit too flustered to remember that no one here knows what buckets are to alternia!trolls.
And he might be old enough, but he's still way too young for the djini.*

You are very sweet, Barti.

Maybe later, we could...get dinner!

Ridiculous. Humans in my world are exposed to mop buckets from a very young age!⁴ There is no such thing as too young when it comes to these sorts of things.

4 - This comes under the umbrella movement commonly known as The Chores. It's a form of slave trade that humans employ, proving that even the commoners do not fall that far from the magicians in terms of their freedom-throttling ways.

*Okay, Sollux isn't sure how humans reproduce other than that their young look like smaller, pinker versions of themselves...but...*

oh my fuckiing god.
oh god.
oh god, no.
no, you 2tay far away from me. keep your 2iick uniiver2e and iit2 2iick habiit2 and 2lave2 away from EVERYONE EL2E. NO ONE need2 two hear about thii2 and you'd BETTER not try two 2tart actiing iit out.

*He's going to have to go throw all the buckets in the keep in the lake again, isn't he?*

[Barti what is this even. Does not compute.]

Your dearest Rapunzel.

I mean, you're right about me not needing or wanting any arrows shooting at me, and rest assured I'm not going to be laying eye or finger on your dear Rapunzel.

[and she pauses for a long moment before adding.]

Make sure you take the time for some romance for yourself, though. Sweep her off her feet before someone else does.

Listen mon, I've been looking after her since she got here and I'm not going to stop because you've suddenly become delusional.

What are you doing to Rapunzel?

Your list of admirable qualities increase exponentially by the hour. This time, it is your powers of observation that I must applaud as beyond the dull scope of humankind.

[Bartimaeus hopes that these compliments do not overwhelm her, but he cannot help himself. He must flatter his beloved!]

Dinner shall only be the start! I will gather a hoard of imps to serenade you as you dine on the finest things that the Keep has to offer.

[skdjf blush blush blush]

..Imps? That's -- really not necessary! Just...um. Us. Will be fine.

Yeah, don't think you've gotta worry about that. She's a bit young for me.

[Like BARELY LEGAL jeez]

Any acting that I do today will not be to your benefit, rest assured.⁵

5 - I have much more worthy pursuits today, namely the courting of this Keep's fairest damsel.

Do I detect the inevitable note of jealousy tingeing the loops of your lettering? Despair, oh possessed one, for every set of eyes I henceforth create shall be to gaze upon Rapunzel alone!¹

1 - There may be occasions in which I will use these eyes as projectiles to scare off any would-be romantic from harassing her, but they will primarily for the adoration of her beauty.

A long-term stalker, are you? I'm not surprised that she's attracted such attention, but I'll be the one protecting her from you, I think.

Right, sure, whatever. Go near her and I twist off your head.

ju2t.
2TAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
twoday and forever.

You speak as though I am the villain, but Rapunzel is the thief here! No matter the form I took, she found my heart and stole it away from me with such style and grace that even I must applaud her.

Quite right! Imps are not good enough to serenade you. I will need to acquire a quintet foliots at the very least, or maybe call in some favours to reunite a legendary djinni duet.

[Only the best for his Rapunzel. Yes, HIS. HE SEES YOU AROUND, KEVAS.]

All of you humans are to a creature such as myself, but I make an exception for her. I wouldn't expect you to understand something that transcends the barriers of the Other Place to pierce my heart with her name.

You should do your research before wantonly uttering threats that you could not in five thousand years fulfil.

I don't give much thought into mons who aren't worth my time.

[Blink.]

No no, I don't...I don't need all that! Really, it's just fine with me and you!

She-... What?

[Rapunzel? Stealing hearts? That didn't sound like her. And how was he talking if his heart had been stolen? Shouldn't he be-]

Are you... Sure?

Your funeral, as the saying goes.³

3 - This is not the most original saying, but it gets right to the point without the hassle of listing the thousand curses that could end your life and line.

You doubt that she possesses it? I assure you, find her and you'd find it solidly in her possession.

Trust me, you're not my type. One djinn is more than enough for me.

But masel tov. Make sure you do something special tonight, lest she doubt the veracity of your affections.

Rapunzel isn't a heartless.

[How would she even collect hearts.]

Indeed not, for she has mine quite solidly within her grasp!

[Jars are a good start. It lacks the finesse of your world, but one must make do with what one has.]

That's not what I...!

She wouldn't steal hearts. There's been a mistake.

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7TH FOOTNOTE [audio] ALL HEARTS DAY

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text | fuck, I am going to hell for this

text | bwahahaha. i wish i had icons for this

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[Audio] Everything about this post is wonderful

[voice] ROFL RAPUNZEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[voice] ENCOURAGING THE MADNESS THAT WILL ONLY TURN SOUR LATER?

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text | yes, sollux - throw ALL OF THE BUCKETS

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[voice] TRICKSEY HOBBITSES

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