likesfootnotes | 7TH FOOTNOTE [audio] ALL HEARTS DAY

The rubbish tastes of this Keep have been improved only slightly by the appearance of the jarred specimen in my room. The first person to admit that they carved a magician's heart out and placed it in a jar just for me will, for today, be treated with a modicum of appreciation.

However, your flirtatious gift does fall on ultimately deaf ears, for this djinni has eyes, ears, and a half-dozen noses dedicated to the one thing in this Keep that rivals my cunning with her beauty.

Rapunzel, on this day of romance, I shall be your knight in shining armour. None shall tarnish you with their slobbering kisses or their poorly rhymed poems. This is my dedication to you, and may everyone else slip and fall into vats of the odious secretions of a twice-dead dragon.

In layman's terms for the rest of you...

Those of you wishing to have nothing to do with the business end of cupid's arrow would be wise to keep their unfashionable and tasteless persons away from the apple of my essence.

[Bartimaeus did not trust the Keep when he found this jar, so he entrusted it to his fellow anti-Santa crusader, Rapunzel, with full intent to wander the Keep as a droll cupid.

Which he's doing, but careful! If you look at Rapunzel, mention Rapunzel, or have anything to do with anything that might make Rapunzel unhappy, expect to have a sudden hotseat courtesy of cupid's "arrow" (a small Conflagration spell). He's a jealous, petty djinni.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

...what the fuck ii2 wrong wiith you NOW.

[Ugh, the fauxtrollgician.]

There's nothing of that particular sort wrong with me.¹

1 - This is quite the opposite of the state you will find yourself in if you look crossly at her.

there'2 2omethiing of 2ome 2ort wrong wiith you iif you're actually fond of 2omeone, let alone a human.

don't worry, ii have no iintere2t iin her.

Are you suggesting that she is, somehow, lacking? Your disinterest is a wise investment in extending your terribly short, insignificant lifetime, but I might still have to act if you say too much against her sweet innocence.

And you are obviously envious of the fact that I favour her more than you. Don't worry! I saw a mop bucket earlier that was pining after you. You should really run to it, because you are out of your depth here.

2he'2 a human and ii already have both a mate2priit and a moiiraiil.

*Oh god, buckets.*

...you....
GOD FUCKIING DAMNIIT IIT BARTIIMAEU2 we JU2T fuckiing MET. you keep your fuckiing bucket AWAY from me, ii don't hate you liike that, thii2 ii2 pure fuckiing platoniic.

Then you keep your two-trolling hands to yourself and I will not be required to encase you in a sphere of perfectly shaped glass to present to her as a token of my affection.²

[There is a gap in the text, the literary equivalent to a pause as Bartimaeus reads this sudden outcry against the brilliance of his insult. Had he but known that Sollux had an anti-bucket outlook, he would have mentioned it sooner.]

Is there something that you've been wanting to tell me? That rant of yours comes across as a purely envious tirade.³

2 - This is to sate the human need for trinkets to prove affection. I would build her a pyramid, but Keep space is limited and it takes time and effort to complete that would be better spent basking in her radiance.

3 - I warn you that any confessions of love are misguided and will fall on deaf essence, for I have affection for only one human currently: Rapunzel.

don't play dumb you 2iick freak, you wouldn't have 2aiid iit iif you diidn't mean iit. 2tay the FUCK away from me, ii'm not even old enough for that 2hiit yet.

*He's a bit too flustered to remember that no one here knows what buckets are to alternia!trolls.
And he might be old enough, but he's still way too young for the djini.*

Ridiculous. Humans in my world are exposed to mop buckets from a very young age!⁴ There is no such thing as too young when it comes to these sorts of things.

4 - This comes under the umbrella movement commonly known as The Chores. It's a form of slave trade that humans employ, proving that even the commoners do not fall that far from the magicians in terms of their freedom-throttling ways.

*Okay, Sollux isn't sure how humans reproduce other than that their young look like smaller, pinker versions of themselves...but...*

oh my fuckiing god.
oh god.
oh god, no.
no, you 2tay far away from me. keep your 2iick uniiver2e and iit2 2iick habiit2 and 2lave2 away from EVERYONE EL2E. NO ONE need2 two hear about thii2 and you'd BETTER not try two 2tart actiing iit out.

*He's going to have to go throw all the buckets in the keep in the lake again, isn't he?*

Any acting that I do today will not be to your benefit, rest assured.⁵

5 - I have much more worthy pursuits today, namely the courting of this Keep's fairest damsel.

ju2t.
2TAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
twoday and forever.

7TH FOOTNOTE [audio] ALL HEARTS DAY

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text | fuck, I am going to hell for this

text | bwahahaha. i wish i had icons for this

text | yes, sollux - throw ALL OF THE BUCKETS

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