likesfootnotes | 4th footnote [text] how to dismiss your djinni 101

Unleashing a horde of hawks upon the Keep gains you marks for creativity, but you are missing the mark by a substantial degree if you think that raptors alone could rid you of my enchanting presence.¹

Obviously you lack the intellectual fortitude to assess the means by which to free me and gain some peace. As a being of magnanimity, I will offer you a tip to help you along this path:

There's nothing like a good dismissal incantation to scrub away my essence from this dismal plane.²

While all the magicians that I know to be present puzzle that one out, a query to the commoners: Has anyone seen a delightful orange squash with pleasant enough demeanour?

[aka: 'Djinni seeking nubile young pumpkin for long rolls on the beach and loud mocking of magicians.' Bartimaeus had good fun chatting with her before the wonderful Hallowe'en festivities. Yes. Wonderful. He had a good chuckle over it all.]

1 - Were I restricted to the form of a raven, this method could work. The key term here being 'were' for the fact that I am not restricted to just any form. I could, in fact, take your hawks and raise you a dual-horned, goggle-eyed dragon with a taste for feathers.

2 - Don't expect me to hand the answer to you on a silver platter. That unfortunate alloy aside, providing you magicians with the means to an end is the same as assisting you. I cannot allow this on a professional level, no matter how the ache of existing builds up. We spirits have certain rules and standards we hold ourselves to.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

And what are these extra steps, human lover?

[Her handwriting is a bit better; maybe she's accepted that there's going to be communication of this variety.]

I have no interest in learning it. It seems my affinity for her free will-- [SUDDEN ENGLISH.] you mean your UTTER LAZINESS [and switch back!]--means that I have to put up with her pointless attempts at getting rid of me.

Whatever rubs her lamp, I guess.

That last attempt fell flat.² I cannot justify more than 3/10 - and that is generous. Evidently you need some more inspiration.³

You also forgot the magic word in making your demand.

2 - Accuracy is important in these things. There's no point in an insult that has no personal meaning. It's like commenting on a vampire's tan.

3 - The watered-down thing that you have puttering around in your head lacks the true irritation potential of a djinni in full possession of its essence, sanity, and skills. Aren't you lucky that you have me to provide you with the authentic services of a true-to-life djinni.

Okay, pumpkin stalker. Open fucking sesame. There's your magic word(s).

And trust me, it's plenty irritating.

Brash, but with better insights this time. A remarkable 5/10, making you halfway there! There's hope for you yet, but only if you take a few centuries to practice.

By that liberal dose of sarcasm and utter lack of answer, I see you truly are just a commoner with an unsightly, rather depraved spirit. That raises the question of whether something as base as you has the hope of achieving a dismissal, even with the necessary tools. Are you quite certain you want to embark on such a task?

Hardly insightful, seeing as you wrote it out for everyone to see. Make sure you put it in the microwave first, unless you prefer something cold. And for fuck's sake at least buy it dinner first.

If you're trying to talk me out of it because you're as full of camel dung as it has said, then just djinn up and say so. It wouldn't be a huge shock to find that you're full of it. I'll go ahead and tell you that I fully expect you to be full of it until proven otherwise.

I'm only pointing out that something as fragile as a human may not be up to the task.⁴

Are you that reluctant to embark on the ordeal of dismissal? You are as fond of it as it is of you, I see. Then ignore my means of earning eternal peace! Live happily, or however two depraved lovers do.

4 - This is the number three excuse that magicians quote when confronted about being lax in their dismissal promises. The number one being the insistence that I'm still needed, and the second being that they don't want someone else to summon me. This is a critical concern to them, as they're always concerned that I'll divulge all their secrets to the rival summoner. (I would, of course, but that's beside the point.

Don't concern yourself about my fragility. I've managed to stay in one piece this long; it's fondness for my well-being keeps me sturdy.

I don't love it. I wouldn't stretch the definition of such a pointless emotion that far.

Look, just tell me how to get rid of the damned thing. Do I need to fetch a bottle? Rub a few thousand lamps? Prove I'm kindhearted or something other Mickey Mouse bullshit?

If you insist, but don't come crying to me when you miss your sad little friend.

Non-magicians that seek to dismiss a djinni require five key objects:

1 - 19 1/2 hawk feathers dyed orange
2 - 3 litres of prune juice⁵
3 - 1 eye mask with green glitter
4 - 2 sheets of vellum
5 - 1 blood-ink pen⁶

Think you can scrounge all that up?

5 - The juice must have been squeezed out between feet clad in three-day-worn socks. This detail is very critical, otherwise the whole process gets bunged up.

6 - You can use a red ball-point pen for this, but the effect is somewhat less. Guaranteed to work for a foliot, but a spirit of quality might not be able to squeeze past it. In your case, the spirit is quite daft, therefore a pen will work fine.

Are you fucking serious?

I am always serious.⁷

7 - Made you look. Ahem. As I was saying, I am the most serious djinni you will ever encounter.

That's like saying you're the saltiest potato chip in the bag.

Which I would be if I took the form of a potato chip.⁸

8 - This is not so with all spirits, but I happen to be a master of detail. No form is worth doing unless it is done to artistic perfection.

Right⁹.

9 - This is my "I believe you" face. You can't see it, but you'll have to take my word on it.