likesfootnotes | 1st footnote [text] an open letter

Dear Mr. Mandrake:

There is entirely too much form and substance here. Where's that blissful rest you promised? You'll give my essence an ulcer with all this existing you've subjected me to.

This is almost the most pathetic dismissal I've ever had the displeasure of enduring. ¹ I must admit that I expected better of you after that unfortunately ironclad summoning and those meagre displays of skill that you displayed.

Still, what can you expect from a half-pint magician overflowing with ego after single-handedly saving the British government from certain annihilation? ² I admit, I'm surprised that your head hasn't exploded yet from all the praise. Do be certain to record it for posterity when it does.

Admittedly, this beats a rosemary-lined tin at the bottom of the Thames. Did you know that small miracles are said to be the hallmark of a mediocre magician? Truly, your greatest achievement shall be managing to summon the immensity of my presence - and this I invite you to never try again.

The next time you decide to subject a spirit to your aspirations, might I suggest Faquarl? He's a good chap, sturdy in essence, and suited to your level. A step down in quality, certainly, but that just proves my point.

Most sincerely not yours,

[Have an X in place of a signature; names are bondage to spirits, so he'll not be freely handing it out just yet.]

1 - The worst, arguably, would be when Frederick Von Mundgeruch dismissed me straight into another magician's pentacle. That didn't work out too well for ol' Freddy. Turns out that this magician had a grudge against him and put me to work Detonating his secret castle, location known only to slaves and spirits, to rubble.

2 - Invariably, that is how it'll go down in the history books as written by the magicians. Between you, me, and anyone that'll listen? A kid never would have managed it without a certain all-powerful, self-effacing djinni on his side.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

:33 < h33h33h33h33h33h33!

:33 < the summoner wasn't a human

:33 < he was a troll like me

:33 < there were never humans on alternia! :DD

:33 < but i don't know if it was better fur it

:33 < the human planet s33med like a lot more fun even if you couldn't hunt furce beasts with your bare hands

:33 < and you're already talking to sollux

You'll have to forgive my laughter, for I have yet to see anything remotely troll-like in this place. No, you are likely the same - some human attempting to masquerade as a troll without the slightest idea of how to go about it.³

You don't say. Would that be the uptight anti-troll that I first had the pleasure of speaking with?

3 - Such glaring inaccuracies are something of an insult to those of us with pride in our forms. There are certain rules to follow when imitating a form known to humans, and screwing it up impacts everyone's expectations. A perfect example is in America; one djinni got a little too creative with a vampire form and now all of us are expected to sparkle.

:33 < purrcisely! you haven't s33n me yet

:33 < but i really am a troll! an alien from space

:33 < i don't know if you spoke to him furst but sollux is the one with yellow text

:33 < why?

Contrary to popular superstition, one does not always need to see in order to believe - especially when one simply knows the truth. Indeed, if you were a troll, there should be far fewer feline references. I've never met a troll that coddled kittens! More prone to eat them with a side of puppies I find.

There is no greater calling for a djinni that making the life of a mage miserable, you see. Your identifying him does make my life easier, though I'd have found him sooner. The question now is what torment to bestow.⁴

4 - The Red-Hot Stipples has a timeless quality, but may be too petty to begin with. These things require some finesse. You cannot just jump in and wreak havoc blindly. The point is to make the magician fully aware that you are here to make their life miserable. My experience has been from within the pentacle mostly, but the same logic should apply without.

:33 < :OO

:33 < >:CC that is apawling! who could eat such purrfectly adrawrable kitty-cubs! only the spideriest of spider-trolls or a really mean dragon could do something like that

:33 < i am a troll and it's feline refurences >:((

:33 < and you don't n33d to make sollux miserable

[He does just fine at that on his own.]

All the more proof that you are hardly the troll you claim to be! Your trolling license will undoubtedly be revoked once the Ministry of Trollish Developments hears of it.⁵

On the contrary, it is my solemn duty to do so. Sollux is a mage and there is no better pursuit for a spirit stuck in the physical realm than to torment those that have dragged him out from the Other Place. It really is his own fault for dabbling in the arts in the first place.

5 - There is no such ministry based in London, but I suspect if trolls were prone to more frequent appearances, the magicians would waste no time in licensing them. They already require permits for the most frivolous of things.

:33 < :OO but i don't have a license!

[This is stupid. She'll just turn on the video.

And there sits a gray-skinned, yellow-eyed alien girl with mildly feline features and horns shaped precisely like cat ears.

She waves. See? Troll.]

Trolling without a license? What travesty is this! They'll have to come and take you away to the Trollbunal for a most severe review of your conduct.

[Bartimaeus looks at the video and, well. He'll give her an E for Effort, because those are horns that he sees, but there is entirely too much of a feline influence - is she aiming for adorable? This place is rife with amateurs that he must educate.

Therefore, have a video of Trollimaeus! Wagging an ugly, trollish finger at the screen.]

The horns are a crucial touch, but you - like your least troll-like friend - lack the true essence of terrible that the title requires. Where is the spittle? And you utterly lack the hulking presence.

:33 < h33h33h33h33h33

[That was not a catpun. But it was a troll pun and well, it's funny.]

:33 < :OO

:33 < not all trolls hulk! some of us are cute and sw33t but also furry furocious to balance out the strong hulking ones! :DD

You need to read a manual of trolling. You have it all backwards! And I suppose, where you come from, the sky is green and pigs fly?

:33 < noooo! the moon is gr33n!

:33 < what's a pig?

A green moon? Surely to go with the like-coloured eggs and ham.

:33 < are you playing purrtend?

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