likesfootnotes | 2nd footnote [video] a curious morning?

[Why is a raven like a writing desk? There is only one explanation: The djinni taking that form buggered it up. How else could one mistake furniture for being a bird?

Bartimaeus, in contrast, paints a fine picture of a raven as the video starts up - his beak is even the right colour! (Though he will forever maintain that his first interpretation featured such a fetching shade of blue in the beak that the species ought to evolve in emulation.)

Yes, he is currently out and about as a raven. Sized sufficiently to carry his record, which he's toted out to The Green after a quick, tight circuit to see what his feathered friends took to wing about. Though he's not so foolish as to head into the forest to discover the true details. They can summon and bind him to that task all he likes, but showing initiative to risk his essence isn't Bartimaeus's idea of a good time.]

Quite a bit of excitement over one minor Detonation, but no harm done. Just a few feathers ruffled. I don't sense or see anything on the seven planes to get worked up about.

[Then again, he also does not realise that while his shapeshifting's survived more or less intact, the rest of his abilities are diminished. Do you really want to trust a potentially blind djinni that thinks he can see?

In the meantime, Bartimaeus is unconcerned and begins to preen his feathers. After a moment, he ends the feed.]

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Oh this is true, my apologies for making such rude assumptions about a feathered creature as elegant as the one I'm seeing. It must be difficult to gain any proper respect when your peers seem so keen on squawking and picking at corpses.

[The doctor's so excited. Pigeons are nice but ravens have that glossy black coat and beak that remind Malkus so very much of his own apparel.]

Hardly, indeed. Does this spectacular creature have a name? I admit to being quite ignorant to the culture of the feathered. Partially because it's so impossible to find one to hold a decent conversation with me.

[Bartimaeus considers bursting the illusion by revealing himself, but what's life without a little bit of mischief? Boring and to the perfect pitch for a magician - all the more reason to engage in it!]

There's little accounting for poor tastes, oh masked one. They have their vices, be it consuming things or cawing madly about kitchens -- [Why, yes, that was a jibe at Jabor and Faquarl. He'd be dreadfully amiss to neglect such an opening.] -- and I have mine.

This creature does indeed have a name, but cannot so freely give it out. There's a trick to learning it that starts with you providing yours. It's a sacred tradition to us ravens, you see.

That's understandable. I'm lucky to have the opportunity to converse with such an intelligent creature, I must say.

[It makes him want to rethink the whole desire to keep one in a cage in his room at some point. Would it be any different from keeping a prisoner?]

Oh, how rude of me. My apologies. I am Malkus Iverwelling, doctor of the plague.

Your taste and sense are quite appreciated in an age of such ignorance. You wilfully recognise my better attributes and confess them. I don't suppose you'd be available to provide etiquette lessons to the greatly less learned that are my masters?

[It might indeed! And could you tolerate the sad clink of a tin cup as the raven passes it mournfully across the bars? All hearts should break at this very idea!]

A doctor, you say! Dare I presume it's not doctoring of magic tricks?

Ah, the plague! The memories bring a tear to my eye.

O-Oh. Well thank you. I'd provide a lesson in manners to any who are willing, though it's generally rare to find someone who is. I occasionally get the feeling that I may be a bit... "Behind the times" with some of these residents and politeness, apparently, has stayed behind with me.

[Like hundreds and hundreds of years behind with some.]

Magic tricks? No, no I admit to being quite plain. A simple human and all. It's pleasant enough, I suppose. I needn't worry about the occasional backfiring spell or anything. If that's how it works, anyways...

Nonsense! The trick is to educate them regardless of your willingness. This practice is tried, tested, and invariably true. Had I waited for a magician to be willing, I would never have been able to impart knowledge to them.

[Not that Bartimaeus has ever imparted anything but whining and snide commentary to his magicians. Hey, he taught Nathaniel how to say please. That counts!]

Then you sound typically harmless. I suppose it cannot hurt this once. I am Bartimaeus of Uruk.

Force manners upon someone? What an interesting suggestion! How would one handle such a thing... Hmm... Very interesting!

[There's a pause.]

Bartimeaus? Of Uruk you say? Sounds quite regal and elegant! A raven of high class, eh? "Cannot hurt this once?"? Do you not tell others very often? Is it secret? I'm honored that you'd value my harmlessness enough to trust me.

[He pauses again, thinking.]

I shall keep this between us, then.

The task is no harder than it sounds. You merely lecture them until they adopt the appropriate manners, or dismiss you out of spite. Regardless of outcome, you win!

[The latter being the better outcome, in his opinion. Most magicians, however, choose to ignore his tutelage entirely.]

Few are permitted to know the name and far too many search it out, but that is the price of competence. You can try to dissuade a magician with false failure, but I do pride myself at exceeding against all odds - which are the odds that each and every one of them have me face.

[Sigh. You get the job done and the magician makes a note that some other magician finds and uses to summon you later. It's a vicious cycle, but no point doing things too half-arsed.]

So, a doctor of the Plague, right? You must be raring for someone to come down with the snuffles.

Oh, but that saps any enjoyment out of learning and teaching! This is how some grow to despise education of any sort. A proper lesson must be immersive and...well... Reasonably entertaining, if it can be.

Really? So I am one of the lucky few who managed to learn such an, apparently powerful, name? I feel quite honored, I must say.

A-And oh heavens, no. I would much rather face unemployment than an epidemic of some discomforting disease.

Then you should talk with this Deior fellow about being transferred to my world - it needs a good, solid influence like you.

Though I make it entertaining for myself. There's no point in teaching a lesson in humility without a bit of fun tossed in. A token joke about their maternal lineage or a jab about their brand of incompetence.

Unemployment's a terrible thing. Do you not have any little masklings running around to feed and clothe? They might suffer without a plague to keep the bread winner in the winner's circle.

Ah thanks! I feel your world would be much more interesting than mine. A bit of harmless entertainment never hurt anyone.

[It takes a moment before he catches that "maternal lineage" bit, and it gets a muffled laugh as a response.]

Oh no, I'm afraid I'm no family man. I don't know how great it would be if my masklings had food, only to be covered in sores and pustules and...dying. I'm sure I can find some source of employment here without needing to release some pestilence.

Not too many Plague doctors have transferable skills. Most of the ones I encountered tended to be consumed by their work. Have you some other skillset?

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